Its been over a month since I have posted and I still have a lot of catching up to do but before I forget about another miracle in our lives I have to write about it.
A few weeks ago Troy and I were talking about what we should do with our tax return. We have a lot we could do with it (replace our carpet with hardwood floor, savings, actual dressers for the whole family, a storage shed for our back yard, etc) but we decided to do something we have been itching to do for a long time. We decided to go to Disneyland with our 2 older kids. I don't expect a lot of people to understand why we made this choice and its kind of hard to explain but we knew we needed to do it. Our 2 older children have been such troopers since Zane was born. Most of the time they are pushed aside, told to be quiet, told to play by themselves, etc. We haven't had much one on one time with them and after Troys accident and my surgery they were really pushed aside. So much so that we decided to put Hinckley back in counseling for a while it was a very good thing for him.
Anyway, we booked the hotel, received the tickets, packed the car and headed to Las Vegas to drop off the little ones. Look for a post soon on how we did Disneyland on an extreme budget! We had a limited window to go because of schedule conflicts so we decided to drive through the night on Thursday March 6th plus our kids would sleep most of the way!
Troy was burning the candle both ends trying to tie up loose ends with work and school before we left. (works spring break and UNM's spring break was different then Hinckleys spring break) He took the first shift of driving until about midnight. He left our house about 7:30pm and it is a 9 hour drive. Most of the kids were asleep by the time we hit Interstate 40 about 30 minutes from our home. A little after mid-night we pulled over and switched drivers. I had taken a 5 hour energy ( I am not a big fan of these kind of things but I didn't want to fall asleep at the wheel either) and actually I was surprised at how great I felt. Before we left I kind of had a feeling something was going to happen on our drive but dismissed it. I even mentioned to Troy about bringing our gun which we normally do on road trips but because our concealed weapons license had expired and the last time I was pulled over the police officer asked if we had a gun in the car it took an extra hour just for him to check it out and make sure it wasn't stolen we decided not to take the gun.
Interstate 40 is littered with semi-trucks and at night it is much worse. I had this overwhelming feeling that I should be aware of my surroundings from the minute I got in the drivers seat. I kept seeing signs to watch out for deer and so I really felt like we would come across a deer. I kept replaying in my head if a deer was straight in front of me what I would do or if it was running from the right or left etc. I was feeling confident as we drove on that I would be aware if danger was eminent and I would have the sense about me to know what to do. I was in the left hand lane with a semi-truck on my right and one behind us. I noticed my low tire light went on and in my head I thought oh maybe it is because we changed altitudes and temperatures so fast. And within a matter of seconds I knew there was something wrong with the tire. I quickly turned my turn signal on to get over in the shoulder and slowly made my way off the road.
*SIDE NOTE HERE* When I was in college I took a road trip with my roomie LaNelle to General Conference in the spring of 2005 and we had a flat tire on the freeway. That experience alone helped me with this experience 9 years later!
As it was happening I recognized the smells, sounds, and things from my road trip with LaNelle. I felt so blessed to have recognized danger when it was happening and to get my family to safety. Troy was dead asleep but woke up in a panic as he heard the thud of our van limp to shoulder of the road. Our kids were all sound asleep but slowly awoke as we checked the van for damage. It was clear that our driver side rear tire was completely gone. It looked like somebody had sliced it vertical. We started to get out our jack and other items to change out the tire. We soon realized we didn't have the lug nut tool. We couldn't even lower the spare tire because you use that tool to get the tire out. I was disappointed and frustrated that we didn't have that tool and we piled back in the van. We pulled out our phones to call USAA (our car insurance) and we were connected quickly with an agent. She asked if we were safe and we told her we were off the road completely but we weren't sure where we were located. I couldn't even remember the last town we had been through. I knew we were about 80 miles outside Kingman, Arizona. She called a towing truck company for us and told us it would be 2-3 hours before anybody could reach us because we were in the middle of nowhere. So we sat patiently waiting in the van. Hinckley was the only one who freaked out about the noise of the semi-trucks (which is ironic because it is Chandler who DOES NOT like loud noises). We put a movie on for him with his head phones and he calmed down. I felt confident that we would be okay because we had just gassed up about 40 miles prior and we had a ton of food/water in the car. I was very glad that 90% of the trucks and cars that passed us got in the left lane so the noise and wind wasn't so bad. Nobody stopped to see if we were okay which I was very thankful for. It was 1am in the morning and I kept praying that if somebody stopped they would do no harm to me or my family.
The time passed very quickly and before I knew it the tow truck lights we right behind us. I was nervous about what kind of tow truck guy would be coming our way. My sisters had a very interesting experience a few years ago with a tow truck guy. But to my surprise he was an old grandpa who was kind and gentle. He had our old tire off within seconds and our spare tire on within minutes. He checked the tire pressure and realized our spare tire was low. I was so thankful he had checked and it made me realize I was thankful we didn't have the lug nut tool because we would have put the spare on and started driving only to be stopped again.
We drove extra slow into Kingman and arrived about 5am. We called a few places in town that said they were 24 hour tire shops but we soon realized they were either semi-truck stops or not in business anymore. So we pulled into the Wal-mart lube and had a 2 hour wait until they opened. I thought all Wal-marts were 24 hours now but I was wrong. The kids all waited patiently in the van for 2 more hours until we could go into Wal-mart. We ate breakfast there and I let each of the kids pick out a new toy. They were such troopers the whole time and did not whine once! I was so proud of them. I feel so blessed that we were protected. We were watched over. The outcome could have been so much worse but we were blessed.
Everybody has a journey, everybody has a story, our journey and story starts and ends with our family and indeed it is a wonderful life
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Post baby & accident
The next few days in fact in weeks after Eve was born and Troys motorocycle accident is a bit of a blur. We had tons of doctor appointments and adjustments to make. We really would not have made it without my wonderful in-laws and my parents. Kathy was my chauffeur and Don was Troys.
Tuesday the day after Troys accident I had an appointment with my regular OB-GYN. As we were driving there I wanted to crawl in a hole. How on earth was a man going to relate to and feel sympathy for me? Will he think I am crazy and not help me? I convinced myself going into the appointment that he was going to say sorry I think you are nuts. To my surprise I was greeted with hugs and great advice and love. We talked about options and we went with all of the above. Medicine and Counseling. One thing that made me feel so human (in a good way) was when Dr. Elmore said, " Bethany you had every risk factor of having post postpartum blues, it was an unplanned pregnancy, you had your baby early, you had an unplanned c-section, you had a double surgery, you are stuffed with all kinds of medicine, your husband is insanely busy and was in an accident. We almost lost all 3 of you in a matter of days." He gave me the name and number of a counselor who works strictly with postpartum mommas. And told me to come back in a week.
We left the appointment and I called and made an appointment for the next day Wednesday. I was a bit anxious about going to see a counselor and taking medicine. I believe 100% that depression exists and even though I was definitely struggling with it I thought in my little brain I could fix it myself. My first appointment with the counselor went fairly well. I didn't feel a strong connection with her like I was hoping for and she seemed a bit disconnected. I had to tell her things like 3 or 4 times and the next week when I went to see her she had forgotten some of the things I told her. And yes she was writing everything I was saying down so I am not sure how she didn't remember things. But it was nice to air out my laundry sort to speak. We set up another appointment a week later.
Troy had all sorts of medical appointments as well. He met with his adviser at school and talked with work. On the day of the accident I called his boss to let him know what happened and his school adviser who is also the department chair. We received so many miracles and blessings the weeks following our crazy November. Troy had just been hired on at Adelino Head Start in August and was still on probation so he had no sick/medical leave or personal leave. His co-workers donated enough sick leave for him to have 4 months to recover. That alone was one of the greatest blessings because we continued to have a pay check even though he couldn't work. We received a phone call from his adviser a few days after his accident and was told that all his work he had submitted so far in the semester would count for his grade and he didn't have to finish the semester. This blew us ALL away. I am still in shock about both of these tender mercies. Troy continued to read the chapters in his textbooks to stay up to date with the classes and even went to a few classes and was chastised by the professor for being there.
I took the happy pills for about 2 weeks and stopped. I know they say it takes 2 weeks for the medicine to take in effect but I just had this feeling that I was going to be okay with out them. I only went to the counselor for 2 sessions as well. Something deep inside was telling me I would be okay. We were driving one day and it hit me so hard of why I struggled so much after having Eve. One word: PERCOCET. I was on it for pain medication after the surgery and trust me I needed it but I realize now how much it twisted my emotions. Not that it was the single factor of why I felt so blue but it did have a huge part in it.
These pictures below are of the intersection where Troy crashed
You will see the school on the right
Troy says he remembers trying to go to the "trees and fence" so if he was going to die he could lay down and see something pretty.
Tuesday the day after Troys accident I had an appointment with my regular OB-GYN. As we were driving there I wanted to crawl in a hole. How on earth was a man going to relate to and feel sympathy for me? Will he think I am crazy and not help me? I convinced myself going into the appointment that he was going to say sorry I think you are nuts. To my surprise I was greeted with hugs and great advice and love. We talked about options and we went with all of the above. Medicine and Counseling. One thing that made me feel so human (in a good way) was when Dr. Elmore said, " Bethany you had every risk factor of having post postpartum blues, it was an unplanned pregnancy, you had your baby early, you had an unplanned c-section, you had a double surgery, you are stuffed with all kinds of medicine, your husband is insanely busy and was in an accident. We almost lost all 3 of you in a matter of days." He gave me the name and number of a counselor who works strictly with postpartum mommas. And told me to come back in a week.
We left the appointment and I called and made an appointment for the next day Wednesday. I was a bit anxious about going to see a counselor and taking medicine. I believe 100% that depression exists and even though I was definitely struggling with it I thought in my little brain I could fix it myself. My first appointment with the counselor went fairly well. I didn't feel a strong connection with her like I was hoping for and she seemed a bit disconnected. I had to tell her things like 3 or 4 times and the next week when I went to see her she had forgotten some of the things I told her. And yes she was writing everything I was saying down so I am not sure how she didn't remember things. But it was nice to air out my laundry sort to speak. We set up another appointment a week later.
Troy had all sorts of medical appointments as well. He met with his adviser at school and talked with work. On the day of the accident I called his boss to let him know what happened and his school adviser who is also the department chair. We received so many miracles and blessings the weeks following our crazy November. Troy had just been hired on at Adelino Head Start in August and was still on probation so he had no sick/medical leave or personal leave. His co-workers donated enough sick leave for him to have 4 months to recover. That alone was one of the greatest blessings because we continued to have a pay check even though he couldn't work. We received a phone call from his adviser a few days after his accident and was told that all his work he had submitted so far in the semester would count for his grade and he didn't have to finish the semester. This blew us ALL away. I am still in shock about both of these tender mercies. Troy continued to read the chapters in his textbooks to stay up to date with the classes and even went to a few classes and was chastised by the professor for being there.
I took the happy pills for about 2 weeks and stopped. I know they say it takes 2 weeks for the medicine to take in effect but I just had this feeling that I was going to be okay with out them. I only went to the counselor for 2 sessions as well. Something deep inside was telling me I would be okay. We were driving one day and it hit me so hard of why I struggled so much after having Eve. One word: PERCOCET. I was on it for pain medication after the surgery and trust me I needed it but I realize now how much it twisted my emotions. Not that it was the single factor of why I felt so blue but it did have a huge part in it.
These pictures below are of the intersection where Troy crashed
I had to drive by the intersection the same day of the accident and I had chills run down my back. In fact every time I drive by it I still do.
I believe my life was spared for a reason and so was Troys. We have a special work to do with our precious 4 children. Our lives have changed so much for good in the last few months. Colors are so much more vibrant, sounds are clearer, smells are more potent. We have a second chance at life. We eat better, we treat others better, we treat each other better, we love more and criticize less. No matter how late one or both of us are running we always kiss and hug goodbye. Even if we are just running to walmart. I hold, play, laugh, cry and invest more in my children. I feel incredibly blessed that we had this life changing event in our family. Indeed it is a wonderful life.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Motorcycle accident part II
READ PART I first
I wanted to be with my kids but knew I should stay on doctors orders to rest and a part of me just wanted to fall asleep and wake up when this was all over. My kids stayed with my mom at her house and I went home with Eve.
I was petrified to be left alone. Even though the depression pit had left I still felt anxious. My sweet Kathy got me lunch and helped put a bed on the couch for me. Little Eve slept. Kathy headed back north to the hospital. I laid on the couch in shock. I kept looking at Eve and looking at my swollen body. I kept thinking and praying for Troy. Communication from here on out was a bit limited with Troy being in the ER and doctors coming in and out.
I received a phone call that read, "unknown". I thought it was odd but I better pick it up. It was the police officer who was dispatched to the accident. He asked if I could come pick up Troys things and I told him I didn't have a car and that I was on bed rest but I would try to see if a friend could pick it up. He said no problem and offered to drop the things off at our home when he was done getting the motorcycle towed and his paperwork done.
He explained the accident to me from what he could tell happened. No other cars or people were involved. THANK HEAVENS! He skid on his bike for 90 feet and then laid his bike down and skid on his bike for another 20 or 30 feet. It happened at an intersection right next to an elementary school. All Troy remembers is seeing a red light in front of him and then "coming to" when he was on his arms and legs like in a dog position. (BTW I plan to have Troy write his side of the story soon)
From what we can gather Troy fell asleep or mentally checked out. He was under so much pressure at home, school and work.
I received so many text messages and phone calls that day. Most of them I didn't respond to because I wanted to keep my phone line opened. About an hour or so after Kathy left I heard a knock at the door. I cringed inside thinking it might be the mail lady or something and I almost didn't open the door. I slowly walked to the door and opened it. To my surprise and amazement there stood 3 beautiful young ladies with cookies and milk in hand. These sweet girls came to my rescue that day. They sat with me and talked with me for hours. They kept my mind off my depression pit, they helped me not think about my injured husband who I couldn't be with, they helped me realize what a wonderful life I have. My dear friend Krystal didn't leave my side and made me stay in bed.
The police officer came and dropped off Troys things. Krystal helped bring in everything from his helmet to his backpack and box that sat on back of Troys bike. It was surreal to see these things sitting in my house without Troy here. I can't imagine the horror it would be if he had passed away and all I had left were his "things".
At some point during the day the PA from the doctors office called me and said she had heard what happened to Troy. She asked if there was anything she could do for us including going to the hospital to check on him. She said she wished she had known I was in the office earlier so she could have given me a hug. One thing that will stick with me forever is she said, "Bethany I'm not only your doctor I am your friend." It warmed my heart.
I knew we needed to get Troys motorcycle out of the towing yard immediately because they like to make you pay a ton of money to have it just sit there. My dad and Brother Smith (the one who gave him a blessing) were working the insurance side of things and with the towing company. We worked it out to get it out of the yard but had to jump through a few hoops. Because of insurance reasons and such they wanted Troy to be the one to get it out (well that wasn't going to happen he was in the hospital) and we had to find the registration card and all that jazz. Some of the paperwork had gone missing in the chaos of the crash and towing it. But thankfully we were able to get it out. My sweet Krystal stayed with my 4 day old so I could go with Brother Smith to get the motorcycle out. It cost $200 for them to tow it maybe 70 yards and to have them keep it 6 hours. Plus it was Veterans Day so they charged us an extra $50. I asked for a Veterans discount since it was Veterans Day... They didn't find that very funny. I was so thankful Brother Smith had a vehicle and flat bed that would carry the motorcycle. I didn't even turn around in the car to see it. We dropped it off at my parents house and stored it in their garage until the insurance adjuster came because I couldn't even bare to look at it. I truly hated that thing from day 1. Brother Smith had a million things going on that day and he dropped everything to help us out. He was so kind and considerate to help me in and out of the car because he knew I had just had surgery. He even helped me walk from my house to the car and back into the house.
By the time we got home (we had to pick up some flags for scouts on our way back) Troy was just getting home. I saw him all banged up and started to cry. In a way it was worse than I expected but better at the same time. He had scratches on his face and a big gash from a knot on the inside of his helmet. His helmet saved his life. I will post pictures of the things that got destroyed like his reflective vest, shoes, pants and helmet. He had road rash all over both legs up to his knee. If you are LDS then you know that there is no coincidence of them coming right to that spot. And of course his collarbone was broken.
I was so thankful that Kathy and my dad could be there with him at the hospital. Kathy and Don took such good care of us for 3 weeks. We really would not have survived if it wasn't for them. They took us here, there and everywhere for doctor appointments and such. Kathy cooked all the meals, bathed all the kids, cleaned my house and made freezer meals among everything else! She truly was my angel. I think I healed because of her. She helped me overcome my physical healing and mental. She said something to me that was just what I needed to hear. "Heavenly Father has all the confidence in the world in you." Cara, Krystal and Brother Smith were are other angels that day. There were many after that day too. From meals to gifts to running errands for us.
We saw many miracles some of which I will share and some of them I will not. I had called Troys adviser at school a few hours after the accident to let her know he had been in an accident and Troys boss too. Those are 2 miracles I will post about soon! And I hope to get Troy to write his side of things soon too.
I wanted to be with my kids but knew I should stay on doctors orders to rest and a part of me just wanted to fall asleep and wake up when this was all over. My kids stayed with my mom at her house and I went home with Eve.
I was petrified to be left alone. Even though the depression pit had left I still felt anxious. My sweet Kathy got me lunch and helped put a bed on the couch for me. Little Eve slept. Kathy headed back north to the hospital. I laid on the couch in shock. I kept looking at Eve and looking at my swollen body. I kept thinking and praying for Troy. Communication from here on out was a bit limited with Troy being in the ER and doctors coming in and out.
I received a phone call that read, "unknown". I thought it was odd but I better pick it up. It was the police officer who was dispatched to the accident. He asked if I could come pick up Troys things and I told him I didn't have a car and that I was on bed rest but I would try to see if a friend could pick it up. He said no problem and offered to drop the things off at our home when he was done getting the motorcycle towed and his paperwork done.
He explained the accident to me from what he could tell happened. No other cars or people were involved. THANK HEAVENS! He skid on his bike for 90 feet and then laid his bike down and skid on his bike for another 20 or 30 feet. It happened at an intersection right next to an elementary school. All Troy remembers is seeing a red light in front of him and then "coming to" when he was on his arms and legs like in a dog position. (BTW I plan to have Troy write his side of the story soon)
From what we can gather Troy fell asleep or mentally checked out. He was under so much pressure at home, school and work.
I received so many text messages and phone calls that day. Most of them I didn't respond to because I wanted to keep my phone line opened. About an hour or so after Kathy left I heard a knock at the door. I cringed inside thinking it might be the mail lady or something and I almost didn't open the door. I slowly walked to the door and opened it. To my surprise and amazement there stood 3 beautiful young ladies with cookies and milk in hand. These sweet girls came to my rescue that day. They sat with me and talked with me for hours. They kept my mind off my depression pit, they helped me not think about my injured husband who I couldn't be with, they helped me realize what a wonderful life I have. My dear friend Krystal didn't leave my side and made me stay in bed.
The police officer came and dropped off Troys things. Krystal helped bring in everything from his helmet to his backpack and box that sat on back of Troys bike. It was surreal to see these things sitting in my house without Troy here. I can't imagine the horror it would be if he had passed away and all I had left were his "things".
At some point during the day the PA from the doctors office called me and said she had heard what happened to Troy. She asked if there was anything she could do for us including going to the hospital to check on him. She said she wished she had known I was in the office earlier so she could have given me a hug. One thing that will stick with me forever is she said, "Bethany I'm not only your doctor I am your friend." It warmed my heart.
I knew we needed to get Troys motorcycle out of the towing yard immediately because they like to make you pay a ton of money to have it just sit there. My dad and Brother Smith (the one who gave him a blessing) were working the insurance side of things and with the towing company. We worked it out to get it out of the yard but had to jump through a few hoops. Because of insurance reasons and such they wanted Troy to be the one to get it out (well that wasn't going to happen he was in the hospital) and we had to find the registration card and all that jazz. Some of the paperwork had gone missing in the chaos of the crash and towing it. But thankfully we were able to get it out. My sweet Krystal stayed with my 4 day old so I could go with Brother Smith to get the motorcycle out. It cost $200 for them to tow it maybe 70 yards and to have them keep it 6 hours. Plus it was Veterans Day so they charged us an extra $50. I asked for a Veterans discount since it was Veterans Day... They didn't find that very funny. I was so thankful Brother Smith had a vehicle and flat bed that would carry the motorcycle. I didn't even turn around in the car to see it. We dropped it off at my parents house and stored it in their garage until the insurance adjuster came because I couldn't even bare to look at it. I truly hated that thing from day 1. Brother Smith had a million things going on that day and he dropped everything to help us out. He was so kind and considerate to help me in and out of the car because he knew I had just had surgery. He even helped me walk from my house to the car and back into the house.
By the time we got home (we had to pick up some flags for scouts on our way back) Troy was just getting home. I saw him all banged up and started to cry. In a way it was worse than I expected but better at the same time. He had scratches on his face and a big gash from a knot on the inside of his helmet. His helmet saved his life. I will post pictures of the things that got destroyed like his reflective vest, shoes, pants and helmet. He had road rash all over both legs up to his knee. If you are LDS then you know that there is no coincidence of them coming right to that spot. And of course his collarbone was broken.
I was so thankful that Kathy and my dad could be there with him at the hospital. Kathy and Don took such good care of us for 3 weeks. We really would not have survived if it wasn't for them. They took us here, there and everywhere for doctor appointments and such. Kathy cooked all the meals, bathed all the kids, cleaned my house and made freezer meals among everything else! She truly was my angel. I think I healed because of her. She helped me overcome my physical healing and mental. She said something to me that was just what I needed to hear. "Heavenly Father has all the confidence in the world in you." Cara, Krystal and Brother Smith were are other angels that day. There were many after that day too. From meals to gifts to running errands for us.
We saw many miracles some of which I will share and some of them I will not. I had called Troys adviser at school a few hours after the accident to let her know he had been in an accident and Troys boss too. Those are 2 miracles I will post about soon! And I hope to get Troy to write his side of things soon too.
The motorcycle accident part I
I do not remember most of the conversation I had with Cara. I think my mind completely turned off. I remember turning to my mother in law and saying, "Troys been in an accident." I remember asking if Troy was okay and where he was. At some point Troy wanted to talk to me on the phone so she handed him the phone. He was not making any sense. He was asking things like, "Where am I?" "What am I doing here?" I asked him to hand the phone back to the nice lady who gave him the phone in the first place which thankfully he did. I remember asking Cara if she could stay with him until I could get to him and she said yes she would stay with him as long as I needed her to. I hung up the phone and started sobbing right there in the waiting room of the doctors office.
I knew we needed to move fast so we packed things up and headed to the elevator. I called my parents who had the other children at the aquarium. They were already on their way home because Cara had called her mom to get my moms phone number when she couldn't get a hold of me. The plan was to get everybody home and then my Dad would head up to the hospital and Kathy would too. Some time in my conversation with Cara I knew that Troy would be getting a blessing. She had already called Brother Allen Smith in our ward who called his son and they were in route to the hospital.
Troy called me again right as we were getting in the car to go home and he was being checked over by EMT's and he was more coherent. He also "reassured me that he was just fine" but was going to the hospital just in case. He called his brother and dad and told them he thought he had broken his collarbone and shoulder. He didn't want to worry me so he said he was just fine.
I will forever be grateful for our angel Cara. She had left early that day (earlier than she had planned) and came upon Troy right after the accident happened. Troy asked her to hold his hand. And the fact she didn't even hesitate brings me to tears. She held his hand and comforted him when I couldn't be there to do it. She has stayed in touch with us and checked up on us. She arranged for priesthood holders to administer to him and kept me posted the best she could. She stayed with him until the ambulance left with him in it. She was one of many angels that day who was put at the right place and time.
As we drove south to Los Lunas (about 40 mins we were on the northside of town) I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I truly didn't know how our lives would change. What if he was paralyzed? Did he hit another car? What if they sue us for everything we own? What if he has brain damage and can't work the rest of his life? There were many phone calls and voxes exchanged. Don my father in law literally packed a suitcase and started the long 9-10 hour drive to get here immediately after receiving the phone call. Prayers were sent out from all over.
I knew we would be passing the ambulance heading north as we were heading home. I kept waiting to see it. It went by in a flash. But for a minute time stopped. I dont remember if I yelled it out loud but I just screamed out to my Father in Heaven to spare his life. I thought I had prayed hard before in my life but nothing can explain or express the depth of that prayer. I wanted to fly like a bird and be at my husband side. I just wanted to leap out of the car and make everything okay. I kept saying, "Please God be with him. Be with him now. Be with me. Please spare his life. Please bring him home to me. Send angels to be with him and to hold his hand because I can't be there now." I connected with Troy that day in a way that I have never felt before in my life. I felt as if my soul left my body and sat next to his side for a brief moment to hold his hand, kiss his forehead and tell him I would be there is spirit and I told him I loved him. It was that moment of time when everything stopped. The chaos around me was quiet and I felt peace.
As we got closer to home I could feel the mud pit around me disappear. I will refer to it as the depression pit. My anxiety of 4 children, and cleaning my house, and cooking meals and getting the kids to school on time was still there but this ugly pit that was around me left. I had a new focus now.
I knew we needed to move fast so we packed things up and headed to the elevator. I called my parents who had the other children at the aquarium. They were already on their way home because Cara had called her mom to get my moms phone number when she couldn't get a hold of me. The plan was to get everybody home and then my Dad would head up to the hospital and Kathy would too. Some time in my conversation with Cara I knew that Troy would be getting a blessing. She had already called Brother Allen Smith in our ward who called his son and they were in route to the hospital.
Troy called me again right as we were getting in the car to go home and he was being checked over by EMT's and he was more coherent. He also "reassured me that he was just fine" but was going to the hospital just in case. He called his brother and dad and told them he thought he had broken his collarbone and shoulder. He didn't want to worry me so he said he was just fine.
I will forever be grateful for our angel Cara. She had left early that day (earlier than she had planned) and came upon Troy right after the accident happened. Troy asked her to hold his hand. And the fact she didn't even hesitate brings me to tears. She held his hand and comforted him when I couldn't be there to do it. She has stayed in touch with us and checked up on us. She arranged for priesthood holders to administer to him and kept me posted the best she could. She stayed with him until the ambulance left with him in it. She was one of many angels that day who was put at the right place and time.
As we drove south to Los Lunas (about 40 mins we were on the northside of town) I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I truly didn't know how our lives would change. What if he was paralyzed? Did he hit another car? What if they sue us for everything we own? What if he has brain damage and can't work the rest of his life? There were many phone calls and voxes exchanged. Don my father in law literally packed a suitcase and started the long 9-10 hour drive to get here immediately after receiving the phone call. Prayers were sent out from all over.
I knew we would be passing the ambulance heading north as we were heading home. I kept waiting to see it. It went by in a flash. But for a minute time stopped. I dont remember if I yelled it out loud but I just screamed out to my Father in Heaven to spare his life. I thought I had prayed hard before in my life but nothing can explain or express the depth of that prayer. I wanted to fly like a bird and be at my husband side. I just wanted to leap out of the car and make everything okay. I kept saying, "Please God be with him. Be with him now. Be with me. Please spare his life. Please bring him home to me. Send angels to be with him and to hold his hand because I can't be there now." I connected with Troy that day in a way that I have never felt before in my life. I felt as if my soul left my body and sat next to his side for a brief moment to hold his hand, kiss his forehead and tell him I would be there is spirit and I told him I loved him. It was that moment of time when everything stopped. The chaos around me was quiet and I felt peace.
As we got closer to home I could feel the mud pit around me disappear. I will refer to it as the depression pit. My anxiety of 4 children, and cleaning my house, and cooking meals and getting the kids to school on time was still there but this ugly pit that was around me left. I had a new focus now.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Postpartum Blues
****Read Our hospital stay first*****
These and probably more questions just kept playing over in my head like a broken record. I cried all night long. I knew by morning that something was wrong. I needed help. I felt like I was in a mud hole trying to scrape my way to the top and all I could do was grab hands full of mud and slide down further in the hole. It scared me to death to be in this mental state. I was borderline needing to be put in a padded cell. I am not even kidding. I never once thought of harming myself or anybody around me (THANK HEAVENS!) but the despair I felt that night was nothing short of hell. I really truly believe that is what hell is like. Dark, desperate, loneliness, fear, and anxiety is everything I felt that night. I scared Troy to death that night. I scared myself. I think back to that night and I just NEVER want to feel that way again.
We got the boys up to get ready to go with my parents. I told my mom and Kathy that I wasn't doing well emotionally and was going to call the doctor to see if I could go in. I called first thing as they opened and they had a 10:30 appointment. I was relived. I knew I needed help. I knew this wasn't normal. That didn't leave much time to get ready to go. We got everything packed up and headed out the door to find the Camry was dead. At this point we didn't have a choice of taking Eve in that old beat up car. I started to feel very frustrated inside but prayed that we would be able to jump start the car and get to my appointment. Our young neighbor was outside smoking and so I asked if he would be willing to jump start us. So we hooked everything up and BAM the car started!
I should mention too that I swelled up like something I have never seen before. I could barely open my eyes that morning partially due to all the crying. My ankles and legs felt like lead balloons and looked like the size of my waist. It was even painful to move my feet. So not only did I need to go to the doctor for my mental health but my physical health too.
We arrived at my doctors and they called me back. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was ridiculously high. I filled out a depression sheet and was ashamed at my answers. Why can't I be happy? Why and I so overwhelmed? What is wrong with me? I don't think I will ever be happy again. I laid on the bed thing and cried. The nurse was asking me questions and I just didn't want to answer. After she found out that I was the one who had my appendix out and the c-section she said, "You shouldn't be sad, you should just be thankful you have a healthy baby." I truly wanted to punch her. I know she didn't mean to make me feel worse but oh my gosh that was the WORSE thing she could have said to me. Because they had to fit me into the schedule I didn't see my regular doctor or nurse. I should have just called the PA because I have her number and she is absolutely FANTASTIC! But I really wasn't thinking clearly. The nurse had me lay down for 30 minutes and then she would check my blood pressure again. I cried the whole time just laying there and feeling sad. Finally the nurse came back in and checked my blood pressure. It had gone down a bit but she told me to go straight home and to be on bed rest. I was only allowed to get up to use the restroom. She gave me an appointment to see my doctor the next day Tuesday. Kathy stayed out in the waiting room with Eve and I came out, sat down next to her and explained I was on strict bed rest. I looked down at my phone because I had turned it off during my appointment and realized I had 3 missed calls. 2 from Troy and 1 from a number I didn't recognize. Right as I was about to call Troy back my phone rang again and it said Troy calling. I figured he wanted to know how the appointment went and I knew he would be heading to school to be apart of accreditation for his masters program.
I picked up the phone and heard. "Hi this is Cara Hanson from church. Troy has been an a motorcycle accident....."
Our Hospital Stay
After I had my first three children I was very anxious to get out of the hospital. We hit the 24 hour mark and I was out of there. This time was very different. I didn't want to leave the hospital which is really weird. My mother in law Kathy booked a flight as soon as she knew we were headed in for a c-section so she could come help out with the kids. She arrived the day after Eve was born and was such a lifesaver and little did we know how much we would need her help.
After an hour or so in post op we headed to our room on the mother/baby floor. They put me in the nicest single room the have, one of the nurses said they all felt bad I had double surgery so they took great care of me. I was so thankful for a private room. I had to share a room when I had Hinckley the first 12 hours or so and it was awful.
We settled in our room nicely and Troy headed home to see the kids and to get a shower. They wanted me to get up and walk and when my mom came to visit me that afternoon we did just that. It was incredibly painful but it did feel good to get up. I had antibiotics running through me 24/7 while I was in the hospital so every time I got up I had the lovely IV pole attached to me. The first 24 hours or so they put these bootie things on your feet that fill up with air and deflate to help prevent blood clots. My nurses came in more often to check my vitals and incision because of the circumstances. I was absolutely exhausted. I would take a vaginal birth ANY DAY over c-section. I don't know why people willingly choose a c-section. I understand there are certain circumstances when a vaginal birth is not an option but all these celebrities and stuff who choose to be cut open? NO THANK YOU!
Our first night went pretty well. I got up in the night to walk around and again it felt good to be up but it was so painful. Troy went home that night to get a decent nights rest and came early Friday morning before Kathys flight came in. Once Kathy arrived the first item on the agenda was to shower. You really dont need to know details but showering after being cut open just plain sucks. I was so thankful Troy was there to help me and I was thankful there was a chair like thing in the shower because I nearly passed out. I was so relived to know Kathy was here to help us because Troy was incredible busy with school and work and I was recovery from surgery. Recovery from a c-section is WAY harder than a vaginal birth in my opinion.
My Dad flew back from meetings in the DC area that day (might I add he changed his flight to come home early) and my Mom and Dad came to the hospital while Kathy and Troy took the kids home. Kids are not allowed in the hospital during flu season so they didn't see Eve until Sunday.
We took a few loops around the mother and baby floor. I was slow but again it felt great to be up and about even with my handy dandy fluids pole. By the way my Dad injured his thumb playing tennis a few weeks before I had Eve and then ended up hurting his other thumb a few weeks after I had her! So that is what the big cast is on his hand.
We had a lot of nurses/doctors come in on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. One of the surgeons who is in the same practice as Dr. Dominquez came into our room one day and said she just wanted to meet us because they were going to do a case study on us. When we took Eve into the nursery for one of her screenings the Pediatrician found out I was the one who had the appendix removal and c-section and he was so excited to meet me. He is from Africa and said he was here the day I delivered and had his team ready for whatever the outcome would be. He said we were all the talk because of what a unique case we were. As we were leaving the nursery another nurse came up to us and said, "weren't you guys just here a year ago having a baby?" We both laughed and said YEP! SURPRISE! Again we had the "Oh you are the ones everybody has been talking about." The general surgeon had his PA come visit us everyday we were in the hospital. He was really tall and skinny and very awkward. I think he was very nervous about being on a mother/baby floor. On Saturday he walked into my room and I didn't have my glasses or contacts on so all I could see what this man in a white shirt and dress pants so I assumed it was my Dad coming from the temple. So I exclaimed, "HI DADDY!" I knew the second he didn't answer it wasn't my Dad... I put on my glasses and realized it was the PA he didn't laugh or anything... He just acted scared to death. LOL! I laughed and laughed about it... Oh and laughing after surgery. PAINFUL! But a few minutes later my Dad walked in and we watched the BYU football game together with Eve.
The nurse who got a bit woozy during my c-section came to visit and she encouraged me to stay at least until Sunday. I am so glad she did! Usually when I have babies I watch a lot of TV because we don't have it at home and there really isn't anything else to do. This time I just laid in bed and held Eve. It was a really sweet experience. Saturday we got a call from Kathy and she said our van wouldn't start. We had been having problems with it so it didn't really surprise me but it was very bad timing. My Dad ended up picking us up from the hospital on Sunday afternoon. I really didn't want to drive my 3 day old in a 1985 Toyota Camry that was burning oil.
I felt like a celebrity during my stay so much so that they put a sign on my door asking for privacy. Every time we left the room we had people who wanted to meet us. We had a great stay at the hospital and I really didn't want to leave. I get anxiety just looking at the hospital let alone staying there but for some reason I just didn't want to go home. Sunday morning I could feel this onset of fear/anxiety/overwhelming of life. I tried to push it out of my mind but it only got worse as we drove home. Kathy had prepared a yummy meal for all of us to enjoy including my parents. The kids got to meet Eve and were so excited.
Chandler was the most excited!
Hinckley and Chandler stayed the night at our house and Zane went to my parents house. Zane was very stand offish to me but that was understandable! The plan was in the morning my parents would take the 3 older kids to the aquarium since it was Veterans Day and my dad had the day off. Usually they would go on the train into town but since it was a Holiday the train was running on a different schedule so they drove in. That was a miracle and I will tell you why in the next post!
*** I forgot to mention a nurse named Jennifer. We met her right after surgery before we headed to the mother/baby floor. She came into post-op and the second I looked up at her I knew she was someone special even before I noticed she didn't have any hair! She wanted to come meet us and see how we were doing because she was the head nurse on the labor and delivery floor. She had heard about the situation and wanted to visit a little bit. She changed my life. She was the happiest more cheerful person I have ever met. We talked about all sorts of things and had some great laughs. She mentioned to me that everybody who had worked with me were so impressed on how nice I was to them and how I kept expressing my gratitude for their help and she thanked me for being thankful. I in turned thanked her for coming to see us and sharing her sweet spirit with us. After she left Merriam told us she has stage 4 breast cancer and even though she is doing treatment she continues to work because its what keeps her going. The doctors have told her that because of her positive outlook on life she should be able to beat the cancer. I pray for her daily and think we need more nurse Jennifers in this world!*****
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Eve Bright Carter
Eve weighed in at 6 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long. She is my smallest baby but of course that would make sense because she was early! She currently weighs 8 pounds! Eve was named after my Grandma Evelyn Bright Shumway. The last few days of my Grandmas life I got to spend with her in the hospital and we had a conversation about sending me a little girl. I told her if she sent me a little girl I would just have to name her after her Grandma that sent her.
This is my Grandma at my graduation April 2006 (I was pregnant with Hinckley)
I loved this woman! And I feel very blessed and honored to have her namesake in our home. Grandma wanted all her great grandkids to call her GG so our little Eve goes by all sorts of fun nicknames. GG, Evie, little Bright and I am sure more will come as she gets older. My boys LOVE her. I mean LOVE her so much. I have to really watch Zane because he will clobber her with kisses if I am not right there next to him. Chandler out of all the kids has shown the most interest in her and wants to hold and kiss her all the time. He asks, "what she says mom?" He wants to know what she is saying and just loves to be with her.
This picture Troy took while I was still in surgery. We were not allowed to bring any cameras into the OR so this was while she was getting weighed and everything!
This is my Grandma at my graduation April 2006 (I was pregnant with Hinckley)
I loved this woman! And I feel very blessed and honored to have her namesake in our home. Grandma wanted all her great grandkids to call her GG so our little Eve goes by all sorts of fun nicknames. GG, Evie, little Bright and I am sure more will come as she gets older. My boys LOVE her. I mean LOVE her so much. I have to really watch Zane because he will clobber her with kisses if I am not right there next to him. Chandler out of all the kids has shown the most interest in her and wants to hold and kiss her all the time. He asks, "what she says mom?" He wants to know what she is saying and just loves to be with her.
This picture Troy took while I was still in surgery. We were not allowed to bring any cameras into the OR so this was while she was getting weighed and everything!
Eve Bright was definitely a surprise but she has been the sweetest addition to our family. People use to tell me there wasn't much difference between boy and girl babies and I say NO WAY! They are totally different and I love that I have been able to experience both.
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