Postpartum Blues

****Read Our hospital stay first*****

I will be very honest and open during this post. Like I said in the previous post I could feel this wave of insecurity rush over me before we even left the hospital.  When we got home Sunday afternoon it got even worse. By the time everybody was in bed and it was time for me to go to bed I was a basket case. I mean full on crying uncontrollably basket case. I was scared to death. Some of my thoughts included, "How am I going to rasie 4 kids? How am I going to give enough attention to 4 kids? How am I going to get up in the middle of the night with this baby and then take care of 4 kids? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever feel normal again? Is she going to cry all night long? How will I get out of bed when I have so much pain? How am I going to cook dinner, clean the house, get the kids to school, etc? How am I going to keep 4 kids and myself healthy?"

These and probably more questions just kept playing over in my head like a broken record. I cried all night long. I knew by morning that something was wrong. I needed help. I felt like I was in a mud hole trying to scrape my way to the top and all I could do was grab hands full of mud and slide down further in the hole. It scared me to death to be in this mental state. I was borderline needing to be put in a padded cell. I am not even kidding. I never once thought of harming myself or anybody around me (THANK HEAVENS!) but the despair I felt that night was nothing short of hell. I really truly believe that is what hell is like. Dark, desperate, loneliness, fear, and anxiety is everything I felt that night. I scared Troy to death that night. I scared myself. I think back to that night and I just NEVER want to feel that way again. 

We got the boys up to get ready to go with my parents. I told my mom and Kathy that I wasn't doing well emotionally and was going to call the doctor to see if I could go in. I called first thing as they opened and they had a 10:30 appointment. I was relived. I knew I needed help. I knew this wasn't normal. That didn't leave much time to get ready to go. We got everything packed up and headed out the door to find the Camry was dead. At this point we didn't have a choice of taking Eve in that old beat up car. I started to feel very frustrated inside but prayed that we would be able to jump start the car and get to my appointment. Our young neighbor was outside smoking and so I asked if he would be willing to jump start us. So we hooked everything up and BAM the car started!

I should mention too that I swelled up like something I have never seen before. I could barely open my eyes that morning partially due to all the crying. My ankles and legs felt like lead balloons and looked like the size of my waist. It was even painful to move my feet. So not only did I need to go to the doctor for my mental health but my physical health too.

We arrived at my doctors and they called me back. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was ridiculously high. I filled out a depression sheet and was ashamed at my answers. Why can't I be happy? Why and I so overwhelmed? What is wrong with me? I don't think I will ever be happy again. I laid on the bed thing and cried. The nurse was asking me questions and I just didn't want to answer. After she found out that I was the one who had my appendix out and the c-section she said, "You shouldn't be sad, you should just be thankful you have a healthy baby." I truly wanted to punch her. I know she didn't mean to make me feel worse but oh my gosh that was the WORSE thing she could have said to me. Because they had to fit me into the schedule I didn't see my regular doctor or nurse. I should have just called the PA because I have her number and she is absolutely FANTASTIC! But I really wasn't thinking clearly. The nurse had me lay down for 30 minutes and then she would check my blood pressure again. I cried the whole time just laying there and feeling sad. Finally the nurse came back in and checked my blood pressure. It had gone down a bit but she told me to go straight home and to be on bed rest. I was only allowed to get up to use the restroom. She gave me an appointment to see my doctor the next day Tuesday.  Kathy stayed out in the waiting room with Eve and I came out, sat down next to her and explained I was on strict bed rest. I looked down at my phone because I had turned it off during my appointment and realized I had 3 missed calls. 2 from Troy and 1 from a number I didn't recognize.  Right as I was about to call Troy back my phone rang again and it said Troy calling. I figured he wanted to know how the appointment went and I knew he would be heading to school to be apart of accreditation for his masters program. 

I picked up the phone and heard. "Hi this is Cara Hanson from church. Troy has been an a motorcycle accident....."

Our Hospital Stay

After I had my first three children I was very anxious to get out of the hospital. We hit the 24 hour mark and I was out of there. This time was very different. I didn't want to leave the hospital which is really weird. My mother in law Kathy booked a flight as soon as she knew we were headed in for a c-section so she could come help out with the kids. She arrived the day after Eve was born and was such a lifesaver and little did we know how much we would need her help.

After an hour or so in post op we headed to our room on the mother/baby floor. They put me in the nicest single room the have, one of the nurses said they all felt bad I had double surgery so they took great care of me.  I was so thankful for a private room. I had to share a room when I had Hinckley the first 12 hours or so and it was awful. 

We settled in our room nicely and Troy headed home to see the kids and to get a shower. They wanted me to get up and walk and when my mom came to visit me that afternoon we did just that. It was incredibly painful but it did feel good to get up. I had antibiotics running through me 24/7 while I was in the hospital so every time I got up I had the lovely IV pole attached to me.  The first 24 hours or so they put these bootie things on your feet that fill up with air and deflate to help prevent blood clots. My nurses came in more often to check my vitals and incision because of the circumstances. I was absolutely exhausted. I would take a vaginal birth ANY DAY over c-section. I don't know why people willingly choose a c-section. I understand there are certain circumstances when a vaginal birth is not an option but all these celebrities and stuff who choose to be cut open? NO THANK YOU!

Our first night went pretty well. I got up in the night to walk around and again it felt good to be up but it was so painful.  Troy went home that night to get a decent nights rest and came early Friday morning before Kathys flight came in. Once Kathy arrived the first item on the agenda was to shower. You really dont need to know details but showering after being cut open just plain sucks.  I was so thankful Troy was there to help me and I was thankful there was a chair like thing in the shower because I nearly passed out. I was so relived to know Kathy was here to help us because Troy was incredible busy with school and work and I was recovery from surgery. Recovery from a c-section is WAY harder than a vaginal birth in my opinion.

My Dad flew back from meetings in the DC area that day (might I add he changed his flight to come home early) and my Mom and Dad came to the hospital while Kathy and Troy took the kids home. Kids are not allowed in the hospital during flu season so they didn't see Eve until Sunday. 

We took a few loops around the mother and baby floor. I was slow but again it felt great to be up and about even with my handy dandy fluids pole. By the way my Dad injured his thumb playing tennis a few weeks before I had Eve and then ended up hurting his other thumb a few weeks after I had her! So that is what the big cast is on his hand.

We had a lot of nurses/doctors come in on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. One of the surgeons who is in the same practice as Dr. Dominquez came into our room one day and said she just wanted to meet us because they were going to do a case study on us. When we took Eve into the nursery for one of her screenings the Pediatrician found out I was the one who had the appendix removal and c-section and he was so excited to meet me. He is from Africa and said he was here the day I delivered and had his team ready for whatever the outcome would be. He said we were all the talk because of what a unique case we were. As we were leaving the nursery another nurse came up to us and said, "weren't you guys just here a year ago having a baby?" We both laughed and said YEP! SURPRISE! Again we had the "Oh you are the ones everybody has been talking about." The general surgeon had his PA come visit us everyday we were in the hospital. He was really tall and skinny and very awkward. I think he was very nervous about being on a mother/baby floor. On Saturday he walked into my room and I didn't have my glasses or contacts on so all I could see what this man in a white shirt and dress pants so I assumed it was my Dad coming from the temple. So I exclaimed, "HI DADDY!" I knew the second he didn't answer it wasn't my Dad... I put on my glasses and realized it was the PA he didn't laugh or anything... He just acted scared to death. LOL! I laughed and laughed about it... Oh and laughing after surgery. PAINFUL! But a few minutes later my Dad walked in and we watched the BYU football game together with Eve.

The nurse who got a bit woozy during my c-section came to visit and she encouraged me to stay at least until Sunday. I am so glad she did! Usually when I have babies I watch a lot of TV because we don't have it at home and there really isn't anything else to do. This time I just laid in bed and held Eve. It was a really sweet experience. Saturday we got a call from Kathy and she said our van wouldn't start. We had been having problems with it so it didn't really surprise me but it was very bad timing. My Dad ended up picking us up from the hospital on Sunday afternoon. I really didn't want to drive my 3 day old in a 1985 Toyota Camry that was burning oil. 

I felt like a celebrity during my stay so much so that they put a sign on my door asking for privacy. Every time we left the room we had people who wanted to meet us. We had a great stay at the hospital and I really didn't want to leave. I get anxiety just looking at the hospital let alone staying there but for some reason I just didn't want to go home. Sunday morning I could feel this onset of fear/anxiety/overwhelming of life. I tried to push it out of my mind but it only got worse as we drove home. Kathy had prepared a yummy meal for all of us to enjoy including my parents. The kids got to meet Eve and were so excited.  

Chandler was the most excited! 

Hinckley and Chandler stayed the night at our house and Zane went to my parents house. Zane was very stand offish to me but that was understandable! The plan was in the morning my parents would take the 3 older kids to the aquarium since it was Veterans Day and my dad had the day off. Usually they would go on the train into town but since it was a Holiday the train was running on a different schedule so they drove in. That was a miracle and I will tell you why in the next post!

*** I forgot to mention a nurse named Jennifer. We met her right after surgery before we headed to the mother/baby floor. She came into post-op and the second I looked up at her I knew she was someone special even before I noticed she didn't have any hair! She wanted to come meet us and see how we were doing because she was the head nurse on the labor and delivery floor. She had heard about the situation and wanted to visit a little bit. She changed my life. She was the happiest more cheerful person I have ever met. We talked about all sorts of things and had some great laughs. She mentioned to me that everybody who had worked with me were so impressed on how nice I was to them and how I kept expressing my gratitude for their help and she thanked me for being thankful. I in turned thanked her for coming to see us and sharing her sweet spirit with us. After she left Merriam told us she has stage 4 breast cancer and even though she is doing treatment she continues to work because its what keeps her going. The doctors have told her that because of her positive outlook on life she should be able to beat the cancer. I pray for her daily and think we need more nurse Jennifers in this world!*****

Eve Bright Carter

Eve weighed in at 6 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long. She is my smallest baby but of course that would make sense because she was early! She currently weighs 8 pounds! Eve was named after my Grandma Evelyn Bright Shumway. The last few days of my Grandmas life I got to spend with her in the hospital and we had a conversation about sending me a little girl.  I told her if she sent me a little girl I would just have to name her after her Grandma that sent her.


This is my Grandma at my graduation April 2006 (I was pregnant with Hinckley)


I loved this woman! And I feel very blessed and honored to have her namesake in our home. Grandma wanted all her great grandkids to call her GG so our little Eve goes by all sorts of fun nicknames. GG, Evie, little Bright and I am sure more will come as she gets older. My boys LOVE her. I mean LOVE her so much. I have to really watch Zane because he will clobber her with kisses if I am not right there next to him. Chandler out of all the kids has shown the most interest in her and wants to hold and kiss her all the time. He asks, "what she says mom?" He wants to know what she is saying and just loves to be with her.

This picture Troy took while I was still in surgery. We were not allowed to bring any cameras into the OR so this was while she was getting weighed and everything!

Eve Bright was definitely a surprise but she has been the sweetest addition to our family. People use to tell me there wasn't much difference between boy and girl babies and I say NO WAY! They are totally different and I love that I have been able to experience both.   

November to Remember part III

I certainly wanted to be awake for this whole thing so I just prayed really hard that if it was meant to be that he would be able to go up a few more vertebrae and have success.  Within 30 seconds of the last try the pain on my right side (my appendix) began to fade away and I knew we had success. I thanked Heavenly Father for hearing and answering my prayer. They laid me back and Dr. Manetta asked if I could feel anything she was doing. I couldn't feel a thing so she began the surgery. They pull a blue tarp like thing up so you can't see a thing which at the time I was very thankful for but looking back on it now I wish I could have seen her birth.

It felt like an eternity until they went and brought Troy in. I kept thinking she would pull the baby out before he made it in the room. I didn't want him to watch the surgery for fear he would get sick to his stomach or faint. But after a while of just sitting there curiosity got the best of him and he peeked over the blue curtain and was able to see Eve come into this world. All I could see is when they passed her off to the nurses. She looked incredibly small and did not make a sound. I kept asking what color hair she had and I could have sworn somebody said red. But it was dark. VERY dark and long. After a short while and still no sound from Eve Troy was able to go over to where they were checking her over. I kept asking if everything was okay because she didn't cry or whimper or anything. The nurses were quiet and so was the anesthesiologist. I started to panic a bit but before I could start to let my mind wander we got the all is okay.

The next step was to have the general surgeon Dr. Dominguez come in and take out the appendix. We kept waiting and waiting. Even though Dr. Manetta had to finish up her stuff they were anxious to get him in to finish the surgery. He came in and didn't say a word to me which kind of surprised me. I later figured he wasn't use to his patients being awake. I could hear things splattering up against the blue tarp (sorry but I don't know how else to say it) and lots of movement with metal. He asked Dr. Manetta a few times if they had a certain instrument or something similar to it and she would reply with a yes or no. She asked him if he was able to get it all, which surprised me because she made it sound like it was coming out in pieces. I didn't ask very many questions because at this point Troy was able to bring Eve over to me and I was able to hold her. It was AWESOME! I was so excited to be able to hold her and just wanted her to sit on my chest forever. Eventually she had to go and get weighed and checked over again so Troy went with the baby nurses as they did some more testing. All I remember as they left was asking what her APGAR score was and I was elated when they said 8!

Then I just laid there as they finished things up. As he was finishing Dr. Dominguez mentioned that next time this happens he wants to make sure he has an assistant. The anesthesiologist expressed concern that we were hitting a time limit on the spinal block but Dr. Manetta was about to close me up. I asked if they had to cut me vertical and the anesthesiologist said no which I was so thankful for! We headed to post op and there was my Troy boy and my baby girl Eve waiting for me. It was heaven. Truly heaven on earth.

There were so many miracles within this surgery to which I will address next post and how I felt like a complete celebrity afterwards. I will also share something that I never thought would happen to me and has humbled me to my core. And be on the look out for our next set of miracles with Troys accident.

November to Remember part II

The nurses knew immediately I had a fever and they figured some type of infection. I am guessing at this point is when my appendix burst. Things are a little hazy at this point but I know my temperature was 104 and I kept asking for blankets. The nurses kept trying to cool me off with wet wash cloths and they were pumping my IV with different things. I was sent for an MRI.  The tech was very nice and told me he would have me in and out as soon as he could.  I just closed my eyes and prayed. MRI's are very claustrophobic... But before I knew it he was pulling me out of it and telling me the doctor/surgeon would have the results within an hour.

We were transferred to the delivery floor and there we met Merriam. We LOVED Merriam. She actually shares the same faith as we do which is VERY unusual, definitely not a coincidence she was our nurse that day.

I should mention that Dr. Manetta (OB doctor on call) and a general surgeon Dr. Dominguez came into my room before the MRI and explained a few things.  Dr. Manetta was fabulous and went over different scenarios and so did Dr. Dominguez. Everything from an emergency C-section to being induced to being sent home to exploratory surgery was discussed. My OB doctor reassured me that she could have the baby out within minutes if we needed to and that she had no worry about her early delivery. Eve was 2.5 weeks early and I was very worried about her lung development.

I really didn't think they would see much in the MRI. I was still in horrible sharp stabbing pain. The first doctor to come in was the anesthesiologist. He really wasn't allowed to say anything about the MRI but told us we should plan on a c-section and that he would be with us from start to finish. As we were talking a slew of nurses came in and started making preparations.  Merriam mentioned the fact that they usually do MRI's to cover their butts but they could definitely see I had a very sick appendix.  She also mentioned that in her 30 plus years of nursing she had never seen the MRI come back and show without a doubt the appendix was sick and had only seen a pregnant woman who needed her appendix out this close to delivery once or twice.

Dr. Manetta came in and explained how things were going to happen. Troy would suit up while they prepped me for surgery. They would get Eve out and then the surgeon would come in and get the appendix out. She told me to plan on having a horizontal cut to get the baby out and a vertical cut for the appendix. Eve had pushed my appendix from its regular spot in my lower right side up behind my ribs. That is why it was very difficult to diagnosis plus all my tests came back normal. She also advised me that I would likely need a blood transfusion because they didn't know how long the surgery would take. There was debate on whether they were going to do the surgery on the OB floor or downstairs in the regular OR. They decided to do the surgery on the OB floor because if  there was complications with Eve they could take her right to NICU. There was talk of bringing up certain surgery kits and stuff and my brain just started to go in slow motion. They wanted me in surgery within 20 minutes.

Was I ready for this? I have FEARED having a c-section... How painful would it be? Will I be awake? How will Eve do? How will Troy do? Will I die? Do I trust these doctors to perform this complicated surgery? Do I have time to call my kids and tell them I love them?

We had a limited time and called very few people to let them know. I figured the best way of getting the word out was facebook so I posted an update there.

I wanted another blessing before going into surgery which usually takes 2 priesthood holders. After asking Merriam if she knew of any LDS doctors/nurses in the hospital and trying to call the local missionaries Troy just went ahead and gave me a blessing by himself. It was beautiful. It was powerful. It was comforting. It was tender. It was just what I needed. All the thoughts of doubt and fear were gone. It was replaced with peace. A beautiful peace I don't think I have ever truly experienced until this moment as they placed the cap on my head and wheeled me into surgery.  

Troy and I kissed and he was off to suit up and I was off to the surgery room. As I entered I was SHOCKED at how many instruments were laying on the the tables. Some nurses were pulling out more as we rolled in and I wanted to say something like will you use all of those things? The room was extremely bright and there were several nurses hurrying about. Each one of them introduced themselves to me and I can't remember any of their names. There were 3 nurses handling all the tools/instruments one of them was training. I believe there was 1 OB nurse assistant for surgery and 1 training. The one training got really sick to her stomach during the surgery and had to sit down. She came to visit us the next day and told me about her c-section experience and convinced me to stay another day in the hospital. My nurse Merriam was with me the whole time and held my hand and reassured me things would be alright. I believe there were 2 nurses there just for baby Eve too. They had the NICU right outside the door just in case we needed it.  The anesthesiologist was fantastic and stayed by my head the whole time and kept me informed of what was going on.

The anesthesiologist began the spinal block and Merriam held me. Those things are AWFUL but a complete necessity and blessing. The first attempt I felt this painful zing and prick. So he pulled it out and tried going a few vertebrae higher. Second attempt was the same thing. He was frustrated. I was in horrible pain. And he said if this last try didn't take he would have to completely sedate me... Part III coming soon.

A November to Remember

Its been a long time coming for me to write this story down. It will probably be in parts and I might have to add things as they come back to my memory but I hope to do it justice.

Let me start by saying it has been forever since I have blogged. So long that I didn't even update the fact I was pregnant again. We were absolutely SHOCKED to find out we were pregnant again. I was very happy and content with our 3 beautiful boys and felt like our family was complete. Back in March we decided to purchase bicycles with our tax return to stay active this summer. We were at walmart trying out our bikes and I felt this WAVE of nausea. I thought for sure I was getting the stomach bug but after a few hours (yes it took hours to pick out bikes) I told Troy I felt sick to my stomach like when I am pregnant. We both laughed because there was NO way we were pregnant. Troy insisted on buying a pregnancy test since we were at Walmart anyway and I just kept laughing at him.

We got home and I took the test. I must have been taking a long time because Troy came in and I just starting crying. Low and behold that little positive sign showed up. And I bawled and didn't stop crying for close to a month. I will spare you all the details of what went through my brain and most of those thoughts and feelings are very personal but I struggled with the pregnancy from day 1.

Even from the beginning I felt like I was going to have this baby early and I kept putting those thoughts in the back of my brain for lots of reasons. Anyway, I made my first OB and ultrasound appointment dreading every thing about this pregnancy. I went to my first ultrasound and saw the heartbeat and things really started to set in but it was good to see that little thing fluttering.

I was really sick during this pregnancy. Like throw up 5 or 6 times a day kind of sick. I was miserable. Some day I will update more on the pregnancy... Like when we found out we were having a GIRL!

OKAY on to the real reason why you are probably reading this...

Fast forward to November 6th, 2013

Oh before I forget on the day I found out we were pregnant again I had a really sweet experience with Zane. He woke up early that day so I snuggled with him on Chandlers bed (the older boys had a sleepover out in the living room). Zane kept holding my arm almost like he was trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.On November 6th he was very clingy and just wanted to be held which should have given me a clue that things were about to change around our house.

Back to the 6th

I laid Zane down for a nap and decided to take a nap too. But I couldn't sleep. I had this horrible abdominal pain. I passed it off as gas or the onset of the stomach bug and tried to sleep it off. But I couldn't sleep. My mom came over and advised me to call the doctor. Nothing would relieve the pain and it seemed to come and go a bit like contractions but it was too high for contractions. I called my mother in law and she advised me to call the doctor too. So after calling the doctor and explaining my situation I was told to go to OB triage at the hospital.

I called Troy who had been busy getting volunteer hours for school and he came home immediately. I should mention that the week this all happened was probably the most stressful and busy week for Troy at work and school.

We went off to the hospital and in my mind I just kept thinking that they would send me home. We got there around 1pm and after explaining my symptoms they had me do a urine sample and blood tests. Up until this point I had no desire to throw up but shortly after being in triage I got sick to my stomach. So in my head I thought it might really be the stomach bug. But the pain didn't go away by throwing up. After a while (I was in so much pain that I lost track of time) they came back in and said all my tests came back normal. No high blood pressure, not in active labor, no kidney infection or bladder infection and my white blood count was normal. They did an ultrasound on my upper stomach and found nothing out of the ordinary. Well they did find a kidney stone but it was on my left side and the pain was now directly on my right back side under my ribs. And they told me I was anemic.  Even though they couldn't see anything out of the ordinary the doctor on call, Dr. Stuart came in and said she wanted to keep me overnight for observation. I was relived I was staying at the hospital but disappointed they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Even the pain medication didn't cut the pain.  I started to believe the pain was all in my head.

They moved us to the mother and baby care floor and a nurse named Ellen (who was fantastic!) watched me through the night. Troy and I tried to settle in for the night. I tossed and turned through the night and didn't get much if any sleep. Troy was so exhausted from school and work that he rested well even on a hospital bed! They checked my vitals, pumped me with fluids and pain meds through the night.  When I was in triage it took 3 different people to get my IV in. It wasn't very fun. And I have nice little scar from my IV line that was used for 4 days.

I should mention that before we left for the hospital the missionaries from our church and Troy were able to give me a blessing. And that night our good friend Doug came over to help Troy give me another blessing. In both blessings Troy assured me that I would be taken care of and that things would turn out okay. I am so thankful for the power of the priesthood!

Okay back to the morning of November 7th

I was in and out of sleeping through the night but by 6am I was awake and shaking uncontrollably. I thought I was having a reaction to the pain medicine or fluids they had given me. So I kept telling my brain  and body to stop shaking. For some reason I thought in my small mind that I could control what was happening to my body. I was freezing (even though my temperature was rising) and the shakes got so bad that I woke Troy up from a dead sleep. If any of you know my husband he slept during an earthquake in California that shook his bed to the middle of the room and he didn't wake up so the fact he woke up without me calling to him just me shaking tells you I was in bad shape. He hit the emergency button in the room and within seconds we had 2 or 3 nurses in the room.... PART 2 coming soon

A special day to remember

Today is a very special day for our family. More specifically my sweet Hinckley and husband. Today at 4pm Hinckley will graduate from play therapy. I am so incredibly proud of him. We started this journey about 5 months ago... but in reality it started almost 3 years ago! Let me explain...



When Troy left for Iraq nearly 3 years ago I had a feeling I should put my kids and myself in counseling. When he first left we were living with my parents in Tucson but I knew we would be moving in 2 months so I didn't want to start and then uproot to a new counselor. When we arrived in New Mexico it was a whirlwind of getting my feet wet and familiar with the area.

By the time I felt comfortable to explore options we were already attending the hearts apart meetings which were specific for families who have deployed loved ones. I found friendship and love there and kept telling myself we were afloat. We were doing fine... And in reality everything was pretty good. There was one thing that really bothered me that Hinckley started doing the day his daddy left. He wanted to KEEP EVERYTHING! I mean everything! From the straw wrapper to the empty juice box to paper scraps to boxes to ANYTHING! I mean I COULD NOT THROW ANYTHING away. He would remember it and ask me about it later and if I had thrown it away OH THE TEARS! My mom was so kind to let him have a box that was just his to keep this little "trash". I knew this was a manifestation of his daddy being gone I just thought it was a phase that would work itself out. And shortly after Troy came home he stopped hoarding things.

When Troy got home the first few months were good, hard but good. Troy had a lot of transitioning to do and so do the family. The day Troy came home everything of his was in a boxes. I MEAN EVERYTHING was out in the garage. 1. We were living with my parents and even though they have a nice big home I didn't want to clutter it with stuff that wasn't being used. 2. I couldn't stare at his stuff all day long it made me miss him way more. This hurt Troy incredibly... He didn't share with me how bad it had hurt him until 12 or so months after he came home and we were settled in our own home. He felt abandoned from his family and it was a realization that if he were to die that we would move on without him. This bothered him... rightfully so! We definitely had our growing pains when he came back but thankfully we were able to work through each one as a couple.

However, Troy and Hinckley would constantly clash with each other. Troy and Hinckley really struggled with their relationship and one day it all came to a head. Hinckley was upset about something and went in his room. When I entered a few minutes later I noticed his face was red and had claw like marks on it. I asked some questions and realized he had been hitting himself and clawing his face. We hugged and talked about how God wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves and how if we got angry there was other ways of dealing with it. It was then I realized our family needed help. I broke down and cried and prayed for Divine Intervention for our family. That night I researched play therapy counseling in our area that was Christian based and we were lead to the most amazing place. The next day I called and made an intake appointment and within a few days met with a play therapist. She is from Japan and sometimes hard to understand but from the moment we stepped in the place I felt peace. The first meeting was just me, Troy and Kyoko. We discussed what was going on and she decided to take Hinckley as a client. He had his first appointment the following week.

After his first appointment he came out and said, "I just thought I would sit on a couch and talk. But I got to play!" He loved it and couldn't WAIT to go again. Weeks turned into months and every now and again we would meet with Kyoko and see how things were going. She suggested things we could do at home to help and explained things she was doing there. Almost 2 months ago she sat us down and explained that things were not getting better for Hinckley and that we needed a new plan of action to help. It was a fairly new technique in play therapy that they used on kids who had been through EXTREME trauma (rape, seen a murder, etc) it was called EMDR. I was devastated. Up until that point I really felt like I could fix the problem on my own or that it would be fixed by going to counseling. I felt like I had a shift in thinking from that point. We had a REAL problem. It wasn't just my 6 year old struggling with life. He truly NEEDED help. He had been through a huge trauma in his life, something I couldn't fix and something he really truly struggled with on a daily basis. And he wasn't the only one who needed help.  About the time we started EMDR Troy was accepted into the counseling program at UNM (more on that later). As Troy began his classes something changed in him. Troy will be an AMAZING counselor. He has a gift of being able to listen to problems, get to the root of the problem, and find solutions. This program has saved his relationship with his son. It was been so incredible to watch the journey of both them to get to this point in their relationship. It has been hard but rewarding.



About 3-4 weeks ago Hinckley told us he thought he was done with counseling. I was shocked but excited. We were told that he would be the one to tell us he was done. About 2 weeks after that he told his counselor he thought he was done because he came in and said, "I don't know what to play with." A sign that says I am done. Play therapy has been incredible. If you don't know what it is you should google it. There is so much that can be said in the way kids play it is fascinating!

So today marks a special celebration in our house... FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!



There is so much more to this story but I have chosen not to share it because its so personal to our family so here is the skeleton of it. I guess my hopes in sharing something so personal is that maybe you know a family that is struggling or your own family is struggling. Do not be afraid to get help. If you find the right help for you (it may take a couple of different techniques or counselors) it can totally change your life. Today is graduation day from counseling!